Top 11 movie sequels which absolutely should be made

11. Return to Brokeback Mountain: The Re-entry
10. Brokeback Mountain III
9. Brokeback Mountain IV
8. Brokeback and Robin
7. Brokeback and forth and back and forth and...
6. Brokenback Mountain (thanks Bobo!)
5. Brokeback Mountain Canada: Brokeback Mounties
4. Slightly Sprained Back Mountain
3. Early Brokeback Mountain: "L'il Cowpokes"
2. Brokeback Mountain Daredevils
1. Going for Brokeback Mountain

Things That Should Scare You

If you live in the pleasant environs of my town (said town being a tidy little suburb famous for its easy access to winsome comestibles and fulsome draughts of alcoholivity), you'd think you'd feel pretty safe.

But the other day, driving through said town, I realized I have no idea where the Austrians live in my town.

Not that I have anything against said Austrians in said town. I just like to know where said Austrians are. Just in case. Said Austrians could decide to start preaching Austrianism to the inhabitants of said town, or making all said peoples' meals Austrian.

Where are they?

Come out, Austrians ! Heeeere, Austriany Austrian...

A Touch of Gravitas: Art Is Good

I like art. In fact many many people like art if you were to judge from the average person's living room walls and the sheer number of museums throughout the world.

A quick google image search reveals some 7.2 million examples of art.

Alas, not all art is created equal. Some art is quite good. Some art is really REALLY good.

But then you have that dreadful type of "art" that tends to populate the walls of New Age freaks and Dungeons & Dragons dorks everywhere.

Sometimes what was once considered art years ago tends to strike a more jaundiced, modern eye as stupid banality. Although there are some rich, bratty college kids from Wayzata who will still consider something like that "art,"; always obnoxiously snooty, if short on "real world" experience, they will insist that a piece like this is indeed art, and that you are a buffoon because they took an Art History class in high school.

I don't even know if my high school offered an art history course. I was too busy padding my GPA with College Algebra and AP English.

Top 11 things that Bug me

11. John Hinderaker won't return my calls

10. Trapper John's stock picks have been way off lately

9. No matter how hard I try, I just can't figure out this football thing

8. My efforts to not sound like Kermit the Frog have thus far been futile

7. Peeps!

6. Learned Foot's hi-jacking of my football picks for a sure-fire betting system

5. Overuse of Brokeback Mountain references

4. That guy on the Verizon Wireless commercials

3. Having to type "Sisyphus" so often

2. Those new, smaller Coke cans

1. The fact that I have never met, spoken to, or seen a photograph of Dementee

Top 11 Reasons Why I Don't Post Very Much

11. So many free burrito giveaways, so little time.

10. John Hinderaker keeps calling me.

9. Constant struggle to keep Dementee from forcibly taking over NARN.

8. I've been seized of a sudden, inexplicable interest in opera.

7. Unending e-mail correspondence with Kate Parry.

6. Monitoring the KAR crew to ensure they don't pull any April Fool's Day pranks that I don't approve of is a quasi-full-time job.

5. I'm running out of ideas.

A Typical Day In The JB Household

The other day, as I was about to put the little missus into preventive detention (to keep her nagging from wrecking my delightful, male-only repaste of sitting on the sofa, reading a book, drinking a tall cool beverage and ingesting a comestible of excellent felicitude, in this case a thick juicy porterhouse steak (rare to the point of bloody - none of those wussy, espresso-drinking , urban well-done steaks for this hombre - and no salad, either. If the Pope meant for us to eat Salad, the communion would refer to the "Body and leaves", not the "Body and blood, and I'm not going to violate 2,000 years of wisdom) and reading a book (the depressing socialist Edward Said) and watching WWF Smackdown on TV, it occurred to me - what if there's a diet beverage in the house? Or a lesbian?

So I slipped from said sofa, set said sad Said aside, set said saladless steak and sour mash asunder, and said to said smack "so sad but sorry", and inspected said domicile until I was assured it was free of said aspertame and said lesbianitude.

It's a good thing, too, because I found a packet of NutraSweet.

How do people eat this stuff?

I dumped it into a glass, poured MacAllum Locker-Cured Dual-Malt over it, and then shot it with the little lady's .38.

Then it was back to the TV.

Mmmm. TV.

Top 11 Reasons Why College Hockey Rules

11. Since only 15 or so schools have hockey programs, things are a lot easier to keep track of.

10. The Icing rule is the greatest rule in all of sports.

9. Hugh Hewitt doesn't know anything about hockey, which makes it easier to ridicule him.

8. Can impress friends by flawlessly pronouncing names like "Smaagaard," "Potulny," "Gauthier" and "Slattengren."

7. The Gopher's always dominate come tourney time.

7. No Duke.

6. It's much harder to throw an entire bench over the boards and onto the ice than it is to throw a chair onto the court.

5. Senseless violence in retaliation for being touched inappropriately by an opposing player's stick is tolerated.

4. You can almost see the puck 35% of the time.

3. In a hockey arena, you are not ridiculed for talking like a hoser.

2. Goaltending is legal.

1. Finally, a sport white people can excel at that doesn't involve "golfing".

Things I Know For A Fact

I do a lot of thinking.

And after years of said thinking, I've come to the following epiphany: If you are not:

• Between thirty-two and thirty-eight years old
• Male
• Catholic
• Married
• Middle-management
• a townhouse dweller
• a country fan
• oozing contempt for any part of culture other than your own
  
• living in a city between 50,000 and 100,000
• of Irish descent
• a heavy drinker
• a private school graduate

...then you are an idiot.

Simple. That's all there is to it.

UPDATE: Ken from International Falls writes "What if I'm 40 and live in a town of 400 people?"

What part of "Then you are an idiot" do you not understand, Ken? In your case I'd add "mongoloid" and "child molester".

UPDATE 2: Johanna from Duluth writes: "I'm 36, married, attend Saint Lawrence Catholic Church, am a finance manager for a law firm, I adore Toby Keith and Big and Rich, I think reality TV shows are bunk, I graduated from Saint Agnes and Saint Thomas, I live with my husband in a townhouse, and I start every evening with three shots of Blackbush Irish Whiskey. How about me?"

When I want your opinion, toots, I'll grant you the right to have one. One more time - unless you pee standing up, go suck off a wino, just like your momma did to conceive you, and let the boys get the serious thinking done. No sale.

The Socialists Have Won

I was browsing the web the other day, as I sometimes do while I'm waiting for the little woman to finish her assigned chores. Said chores on said day included itching my scrotum. Her technique for itching said organ was somewhat inadequate, so I locked her in the closet, settled down with a fine draft of McColon's Cask Single Malt - the whiskey of the Gods - and begain browsing said web.

I was shocked to see this site, which only proves that the socialists have won. Tell me this isn't a perfect example of the softy, effete, espresso-drinking, metrosexual, effete, pseudo-intellectual, collectivist-minded, wussy, vegan, urban leftist, mollycoddling, atheistic, reformationalist running dog revanchist urban left or what? It's an organization for deaf children.

Look at this, where they talk about:

...direct access to teachers, peers, and role models, these children will develop self-empowerment and personal skills to allow them to reach their potential and fulfill their ambitions.

When I was a kid, the deaf kids had to suck it up or tough it out. Some deaf kid tried to act all "self-empowered" around me, we'd be right in his face: "What do you think you are, Mr. Deafy-Deaf? Think you're better than us, with all your effete, pseudo-intellectual, collectivist-minded, wussy, vegan, urban leftist "empowerment"?" The nuns would sure put them in their place.

Serves them right for ignoring 2000 years of accumulated wisdom from the one true church!

The Top 11 Things That Make Baby Jesus Cry (Other than Lies)

11. Refusal of populace to accept Barry Tallackson as personal savior.

10. The Gopher hockey team's performance against Holy Cross in the tournament.

9. Sluggish sales of KAR thongs.

8. Insufficient number of traffic light technology trade magazines.

7. Noted Klansman Robert Byrd.

6. LearnedFoot's erroneous recollection that Warren Burger joined the dissent in Roe v. Wade.

5. The Nihilist in Golf Pants' ongoing irrational disrespect of one of the best blogs around.

4. Fraters' "B" material.

3. Dad's genetic experiment that went horribly horribly awry, resulting in Nancy Pelosi.

2. The mere existence of the Minnesota Vikings.

1. The Nihilist in Golf Pants' ongoing, gag-reflex-inducing sucking up to John Hinderaker.

Sick and tired of the abuse

I just noticed a passing shot that was taken at yours truly by the main contributor to this blog:

As the Managing Editor of KAR I wish to extend my heartfelt apology for the absolute crappiness of Bill's latest header design. This desecration of the legendary KAR logo is due to Bill's refusal to consult with me or obtain final approval from me. I was given no input (other than the Homer Simpson thing) and the result, as you can see, is disastrous.

OK, so I just noticed it. I have been very busy at work and have not had a lot of time to devote to the blog; reading, writing, or developing new header art. But this slight will not be tollerated.

I am sick of the constant badgering by the aforementioned person to produce new and creative headers on a constant basis, when said person has no idea how much work goes into each one and how long they take to develop.

I am sick of the surreptitious little comments about "pie decoration" and "gift wrapping" meant to call into question my masculinity.

And I am tired of the comments that I do not post enough, and the pressure I am put under to participate more from a contributor standpoint. Other blogs have infrequent contributors, why can't KAR?

I am putting someone on notice: Knock it off or you may not have any header art at all, other than that which you manage to develop yourself. I'd love to see what that looks like.

Empty Rhetoric to End Homelessness

The elites on the Star & Sickle editorial board write eloquently about a group of some high-powered Minnesotans who have come together to, once and for all, put an end to homelessness:

"We're done studying homelessness. We know what works. Now it's time to act."

So, what works, you ask. How do we end the scourge of homelessness?

Beats the hell out of me.

Like all good Lefty ideas they have no real plan. Just a reference to a “continuum of care” and the costs (unstated) that we should not fear.

Be very, very scared. As usual, those who believe themselves to be our superiors have decided that more money – on top of the trillions that have been spent over the years – will solve the problem.

Same shit, different day.

I've Won a Major Award!

I'm Rock Solid in the Blogosphere! How 'bout that?

As this is totally unexpected, I don't have an acceptance speech prepared. I guess I'll just have to wing it...

Ahem.

First off, I'd like to thank Sisyphus for finding me worthy enough to recognize with this prestigious award. I know that it took a significant amount of courage for him to do so, given that he is certain to face retribution from my long-time nemesis and his evil overlord, The Nihilist in Golf Pants.

Also I'd like to thank my lovely wife, Mrs. Foot, whose constant disapproval has kept me from blogging too much. KAR hasn't jumped the shark yet, largely due to her scoldings.

I'd like to thank my kids, The Girl and The Boy. Especially The Boy, whose penchant for mayhem and destruction has shown me what's truly important in life (self-preservation).

I'd like to thank Noted Marquette Alumnus Denbo, who could probably care less right now since he's currently in Key West sipping foo foo drinks and fending off the advances of that island's many many homosexuals.

I'd like to thank Iron Maiden. You mofos have taught me a lot!

I need to thank Atomizer, whose model I've followed over the past year (frequent and sustained self-medication).

Finally, but most importantly, I need to thank my cohorts. I would be nothing without them: Dementee, who has kept KAR relatively moonbat-free for about a year now; and the Head of Alfredo Garcia, who filled in for me while I was vacationing last June. You guys are the greatest!

Am I forgetting anyone?...

No.

[Pregnant pause]

You know, there are some assholes that say KAR is "out of touch". That we're too "extreme"; that we're "tasteless" and "profane." But we were the first to fisk disgusting recipes and use the phrase "regurgitated monkey spleen" while everybody else though it was too "edgy." Well, I'm glad to be out of touch! And this award provides not only validation, but also absolute moral authority to continue being disgusting.

Finally, I think the most gratifying thing about receiving The Rock Solid award is that it's really going to cheese off the Nihilist in Golf Pants. This once again proves how wrong he was to demote KAR to #2 on his Top 11 Blogs list. SHAME ON YOU MR. GOLF PANTS! SHAME ON YOU! WHEN EVEN SISYPHUS IS AGAINST YOU, YOU KNOW YOU'RE WRONG! SHAME ON YOU! SHAME ON YOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!

YEEEEEEEEARRRRGH!

Foreshadowing

LEARNEDFOOT: 'Sup D?

DEMENTEE: WHERE BILL???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LF: I think Bill's pissed at me.

DEM: OH!!!!!!!!!!

LF: Yeah, he didn't like this at all. And now -

DEM: SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT DEMENTEE HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU GOT ANYTHING TO EEEEEEEAAAAAAT?????!!!!!!!!!

LF: Well, I don't know. Let me...

MARK BUTTLIK, MINNEAPOLIS: [interrupting] The end of legal abortion is nigh. Then we'll need to have gay couples raising the surplus tykes. No wonder Michele Bachmann paces the floors.

DEM: OOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! MOONBAT!!!!!!!!!! RAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRR!!!!!!!

BUTTLIK: [Shrieking like the little bitch that he is] Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

DEM: CHOMP!!!!!! *burp*

DEM: YUMMY!!!!!!!

LF: Heh - maybe there should be unfettered gay marriage and abortion. We could see the end of the human race within a century.

DEM: THEN WHAT WOULD DEMENTEE EAT???!!!!!!!!

LF: Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah - the Nihilist is being an assmonkey again.

DEM: WHAT AN ASSMONKEY!!!!!!!

LF: Indeed. Say, D - you know that I'm not a traffic whore, right?

DEM: DAT RIGHT!!!!!!

LF: But I do pay attention to our traffic.

DEM: YA' DON'T SAY!!!!!!!!!

LF: Yes. I pay attention enough to notice that our weekend traffic is almost exactly half of our regular daily traffic, give or take a few hits.

DEM: SEEM RIGHT!!!!!!

LF: And while I'm flattered that there are 300-odd people that check in daily to read about our latest hijinx -

DEM: ACTUALLY, IT PROBABLY MORE LIKE 10 PEOPLE CHECKING IN 30 TIMES A DAY!!!!!!!!!

LF: Well, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Be that as it may - and remember, I'm not a traffic whore - I think it would be a BIG mistake for anyone to avoid visiting to KAR this weekend several times.

DEM: OOOOOOOH!!!!!! YOU GOT SOMETHING BIG PLANNED????!!!!!!

LF: Let's just say that I've got a nuke it'll be pretty good, and leave it at that...

DEM: AH!!!! ME CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

DEM: ...

DEM: ME HUNGRY AGAIN!!!!!!!

Who needs freedom.

I know it doesn’t matter to him, but I hate Bob Moffitt and his self-righteous attitude toward the freedom of others:

"If we quit fighting and got together behind a statewide bill, we wouldn't have this crazy quilt of ordinances that requires people to look at a map before they light up," said Bob Moffitt, a spokesman for the American Lung Association.

Fuck you, Bob. Have you ever heard of freedom? Ever heard of self-determination?

I hope every bar and restaurant in St. Paul hangs a photo of this prick in the window and bans him from darkening their doors.

I really, really hate this prick and his smug attitude. He doesn’t give a damn who gets hurt as long as he gets to force his fascist beliefs on everyone.

Sisyphus Open Thread Pays Off

In today's S.O.T. Sisyphus writes:

I mostly approve of the work done by the framers of our Constitution, but one mistake they made was forbidding titles of nobility (Article 1, Section 9). I could see myself as an Earl or a Duke (but not a Marquise – that sounds too French).

The StarTribune was able to come up with a clever idea to get around the electoral college (Article 2). Maybe they can come up with an idea to get around this prohibition against titles of nobility.

The Bard of New Brighton will be happy to learn that there is a way around it that's far less sneaky than the Strib's stupid electoral college thing. Art. I, Sec. 9, cl. 8 of the Constitution provides:

No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States: And no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince, or foreign State.

Note the language here: " No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States". This clause prohibits federal governmental bodies from granting titles of nobility. There is no such prohibition on the state governments, or for that matter on me, from dubbing some guy the "Earl of Frogtown" or the "Mayor of Fridley." And a cursory glance at the Minnesota Constitution contains no such prohibition (a search for the terms "nobility" or "noble" across the Minnesota Statutes and constitution yields 0 hits).

All must now refer to me as The Viscount of Love.

Open Thread for Sisyphus

Sisyphus only, Chad.

An Apology to Our Readers

As the Managing Editor of KAR I wish to extend my heartfelt apology for the absolute crappiness of Bill's latest header design. This desecration of the legendary KAR logo is due to Bill's refusal to consult with me or obtain final approval from me. I was given no input (other than the Homer Simpson thing) and the result, as you can see, is disastrous.

Disciplinary action has already been taken against Bill including:

* Demotion from his role as Art Director to the lowly title of LearnedFoot sycophant;

* A moratorium on pie decorating until further notice; and

* Removal of his exemption from being targeted with Nihilist in Golf Pants / Brokeback Mountain gay-baiting jokes.

Again, I wish to emphasize that KAR deeply regrets the assault on your eyes that is our new crappy crappy logo. We will rectify the situation at the earliest possible time.

As a token of our contrition, please stay tuned for a Sisyphus Open Thread.

Arrogant Asses

Congratulations to Dave Thune and Bob Moffitt. Together they will go down as two of the most arrogant asses to ever appear on the political scene.

I’ve decided I hate anyone who steps on the freedom of others for selfish reasons. And these do-gooders fit that description to a tee.

Screw the secondhand smoke argument. These two, and many others I’ve heard, want to force you to live your life by their standards and they have no problem using the force of government to get their way.

Why did Dave Thune want a smoking ban:

One, he's a musician. After his band played at a nonsmoking wedding, Thune didn't feel the usual effects of a "rock 'n' roll hangover" from exposure to too much smoke.

Two, he's a son. On many mornings, Thune rises to make breakfast for his father, now suffering through the debilitating effects of emphysema caused by smoking.

Purely selfish reasons. Nothing here about saving non-smokers from the evil ones who light up in their presence.

"All those things kind of happening at once made me realize, why are we doing this? Why are we allowing this anymore?" Thune said.

This is the killer line and no one is beating this guy’s ass over it. Thune’s use of the word “allow” makes me want to vomit on the prick’s shoes. What else will asshole number one decide should no longer be allowed? Next will be smoking on patios, then in cars and, not long after that, in homes.

On the other hand we have asshole number 2, Bob Moffitt of the American Lung Association, Thune’s latest employer, who can’t genuflect fast enough:

"He was the first one to step up. And he took a real political risk in stepping forward."

Bullshit, there was no risk. Smokers are the most hated group in this country. Crack addicts get sympathy while smokers are scorned. Funny thing is crack heads are willing to steal and kill to satisfy their habit.

Rob Moffitt, spokesman for the American Lung Association of Minnesota, said it [Thune’s support of a smoking ban] makes Thune a more effective campaigner against secondhand smoke. The group recently paid for Thune to speak with Milwaukee officials about a possible smoking ban and could send him to Kansas City to aid the cause there.

Nice part-time gig. I wonder: How much Bob is paying Dave to push the anti-freedom campaign and has/will Thune disclose the number?

This whole thing stinks as bad as Skip Humphrey going to work for one of the agencies that was getting tons of cash from the gang-rape he and Mike Cerisi committed against the tobacco companies.

Ya gotta love the Left: Use government to force your vision of the world on others and to hell with who gets hurt in the process.

They want to save us from ourselves, but who will save us from them?

I hate Lefties.

...And the Sheep Are Scared

A U of M frat is busted for hazing:

The University of Minnesota took the rare step of suspending a fraternity Wednesday after concluding at least 15 members of the St. Paul-based organization forced other members into "degrading behavior" during a tradition of hazing.

Neither the university nor members of the FarmHouse Fraternity would detail the hazing incidents. But the university indicated hazing at the fraternity may have gone on for years.

With a name like "FarmHouse," I shutter to think of what the frat's hazing ritual entailed.

Dems Unveil bin Laden Whacking Plan

WASHINGTON (AP) Anticipating the '06 midterm elections and eager to demonstrate their national security savvy, Democrat leaders have rolled out their own new strategy to locate and eliminate Osama bin Laden.

"Our approach provides a clear choice for voters this fall," explained House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. "It is a realistic and well-conceived plan to flush bin Laden out into the open where he can be captured or killed."

Pelosi outlined some details of the Dem's breakthrough strategy during a press conference Wednesday. According to the plan, a high ranking Democrat, under a pretense of detente, would invite bin Laden on a deep sea fishing trip in the Atlantic Ocean. Once the terrorist leader boards and the boat is out of sight from the coast, Paulie Walnuts and Chris Moltisanti would emerge from their hiding place below decks, and deliver a "double tap" to the terrorist's skull.

Republicans critical of the plan were quick to point out that not only was bin Laden unlikely to accept such an invitation, but also Paulie Walnuts and Chris Moltisanti are not real people.

Senate minority leader Harry Reid dismissed the criticism saying "This method of counter terrorism has been proven time and again as shown by various documentaries aired on HBO. It's time that the reality-based community took the reins in this fight against the terrorists, because this administration has been so ineffective in their search for this one single guy."

A spokesperson for the Bush administration refused to comment because "his gut hurt from laughing so hard."

Pelosi also briefly described a backup plan in which several swarthy agents disguised as olive oil importers would track down bin Laden and invite him out for drinks. Once they gained bin Laden's confidence they would pin his hand to the bar with a stiletto and then strangle him with a silk cord.

She emphasized that this course of action was only a last resort as "our main agent for that job, Pete Clemenza is suffering from weight issues, and is currently unfit to traverse the rugged terrain of northeastern Afghanistan."

Republican Senator Norm Coleman was quick to point out that there were other problems with this "Plan B" as well. "Clemenza's crew has their own things to worry about right now, what with their ongoing battle against that greasy shit 'Turk' Sollozzo to keep drugs off the streets," the first term senator from Minnesota observed. "And I have a feeling that Sal Tessio isn't trustworthy enough to play such a crucial role in this very important national security issue."

Moron Mail

Oh look: drool!

I, like Doug Grow, am perplexed by Sen. Michele Bachmann's statement that a constitutional ban on gay marriage "is the No. 1 issue in the state" (column, March 28). As a voter in Bachmann's district I have a few items that I wish she would put ahead of her personal beliefs:

• Property taxes going through the roof.

But our schools are BURNING! They need that cash!

• Minnesota being the largest importer of electricity in the United States.

Why do you suppose that is, Mikey?

• Over 46 million Americans without health insurance.

How, as a STATE SENATOR, is she supposed to do anything about that?

• The jobs being created in our country pay less than the jobs that are disappearing.

Accepting your premise as true - which I do not since it was obviously cut and pasted from MoveOn - how, as a STATE SENATOR, is she supposed to do anything about that? On to talking point #5...

• National debt and trade deficit are at all-time highs.

How, as a STATE SENATOR, is she supposed to do anything about that?

• Our government is outsourcing our national security.

Everybody say it with me: how, as a mother-f***ing STATE SENATOR, is supposed to do anything about that?

• Corporate America is outsourcing our jobs and national defense.

How, as a STATE SENATOR, is she supposed to do anything about that?

• Our borders are unguarded.

*sigh* H., A.A.S.S., I.S.S.T.D.A.A.T.?

• The Iraq war.

*double-sigh*

*triple sigh*

To me gay marriage is a [TALKING POINT ALERT!] wedge issue that politicians put out there to [ANOTHER TALKING POINT ALERT!] distract the American public from their own ineptitude to solve problems that impact our state and country.

MICHAEL LA FART, FOREST LAKE.

Well, it wouldn't be a "wedge issue" if you all just agreed with me.

Oh snap!

And actually, I think there is no better way to demonstrate ineptitude than for a Minnesota state politician to start proposing laws that are solely in the province of the national Congress. Talk about a waste of time.

MEMO TO LA FART: Assuming that you did write this yourself - and I have my doubts - it would make you look less like a drooling ass if you actually read the bullshit you were cutting and pasting from the latest DFL propaganda mill memo, and then edited out the parts that were irrelevant. Either that or you are just a silly little fool with a tenuous grasp on reality and the IQ of an artichoke.

Further evidence suggests the latter.

What say you, Bobo?

Florida Writ Large? Fuggedaboudit! Don't Be a Dumbass.

UPDATED!

Dementee did a drive by on this horrifically stupid idea handed down from on high by the Wienerati of Portland Avenue yesterday. Given the absolute abject stupidity of the proposal, I felt that it needed a more thorough fisking.

Actually, not so much a fisking as a series of off color observations and general taunting punctuated by one very compelling reason to run away from the stupidity espoused here.

Let's begin:

This country could form a more perfect union by accepting a novel idea: that the president of the United States should be elected by the people of the United States.

[Rolling eyes]

[Rerolling eyes]

[Focusing eyes on distant object to uncross them]

That's not the way it's done, of course, and, given the Constitution's enshrinement of the Electoral College, things aren't likely to change.

'Enshrinement"? Why do I get the feeling that the Strib Wienerati wouldn't use that same proto-sarcastic phrasing to describe the Equal Protection Clause?

To quit the college would take approval of two-thirds of both houses of Congress and three-quarters of state legislatures, so fuggedaboudit.

Ah yes - we've seen this before: the "Article V is just soooooooo demanding, so let's find an easier way to circumvent the whole 'government of, by and for the people' thing." But let's put that aside for the moment. That the Wienerati believe that the best way to assert the rights of the people is to circumvent their input should surprise nobody. No, this is almost worse:

"fuggedaboudit"

Fuggedaboudit?

I'm sorry if I seem a little touchy about this, but there's something rather pathetic about a bunch of WASPs like the Strib Editorial club using that word. I'm part Sicilian, and I never use that word (unless I'm quoting Donnie Brasco - which I rarely do since I only saw part of it on HBO like 7 years ago). Memo to Jim Boyd et al.: you are a bunch of poseurs. You might think using some East Coast ethnic colloquialism makes you "cool" or "hip" or "witty"; that it might appeal to the "young folk"; but actually it makes you sound like a bunch of pathetic WASPs who desperately want to sound less WASPy.

Tell you what: if you promise to stop using faux Italo-speak because you just watched the Sopranos the night before, I promise never to use high-minded WASP editorialist nonsense babble like "This country could form a more perfect union by accepting a novel idea: that the president of the United States should be elected by the people of the United States."

Deal?

Let's move on.

But now comes a gaggle of bipartisan reformers with a cheeky idea worth considering.

"Cheeky" as in "ass".

What if legislatures, one by one, entered their states into an interstate compact under which members would agree to award their electoral votes to the winner of the national popular vote?

There will be chaos. I'll explain why in a moment.

The compact would kick in only when enough states had joined it to elect a president -- that is, when a majority of the 538 electoral votes were assembled. As few as 11 states could ensure that the candidate with the most popular votes nationally would win the presidency.

And that last sentence ought to scare the shit out of anybody who has more than two brain cells to rub together because of the endless parade of horribles it brings to mind.

As a result, the Constitution and the Electoral College would stay intact, but the college's fangs would be removed.

Fangs?

Fangs????

It's the F-ING ELECTORAL COLLEGE!

OK wieners, if this is such a great idea, riddle me this: how, exactly, would this Brave New System handle close elections (like the one in 2000; I'd also wager there are a lot of other members of the Wienerati who would characterize the 2004 election as "close" also)? Most, if not all states have procedures in place in which a candidate can call for and receive a recount if the initial vote totals are inside a certain percentage. There are also provisions that kick in an automatic recount if the election is very close.

Under this proposal, where the compacting states "give" their electoral votes to the popular vote "winner," that popular vote is the combined total of all of the states. A vote in California becomes fungible (look it up, Mr. Boyd) with a vote from Maine.

In the event that the presidential election is decided by less than a percentage point or so, under this brain-dead stinking piece of shit of an excuse for an idea YOU WOULD HAVE TO RECOUNT ALL THE VOTES IN EVERY SINGLE STATE! Remember Florida? Multiply that by 50. You couldn't just recount the "close" states since the the electors would go to the winner of the national popular vote.

Brilliant!

That the Electoral College has "worked" in all but one election since 1888 isn't a good enough reason to stay with the status quo.

But a hypothetical quadruple amputee invalid octogenarian apparently is a good enough reason to keep the status quo when the context switches to voter IDs. (At least that's what the memo from the DNC told you to say, right Jim?)

But that's another post for another day.

Now that Minnesota is a battleground getting lots of attention, it's a lot to ask the Legislature to do the right thing and endorse the new compact. But it really should. So should other states -- both red and blue -- join, for the sake of a better democracy.

Ah yes - a "better" democracy. One in which a long line at the polling place is characterized as "disenfranchisement," but making it easy for some drooling assholes to vote for their favorite candidate 5 or 6 times under several different fictional names is "protecting the sacred right to vote."

Fuggedaboudit! Shove it up your butt sideways.

UPDATE: Bobo has his own message for the Portland Avenue Pinheads.

Attention Prospective MilF Participants

Bill and I have begun the planning stage for the 2nd Annual KARNation Millard Fillmore Memorial Open Championship Golf Outing Classic (presented by Buick). Please check your e-mails if you have signed up.

If you thought you were on the list, but did not recieve an e-mail from me, let me know.

Greatest. Mascot. Ever.

No, not Bobo.

Roger Clamens!

Baseball is but a week away...

Update in the Light Rail vs. Conceal-Carry Casualty Contest

After a long drought, the Hiawatha Line finally lit up the scoreboard by inflicting two injuries (one critical) on the populace, thereby extending its lead over permit carriers. The score as it now stands:

Number of people killed or seriously injured (i.e. necessitating hospitalization) by light rail: 4

Number killed or injured (illegally) from a bullet fired by a firearm permit holder: 1

Two-faced as always

Don’t fix what ain’t broke, the Star & Sickle says about a proposal to require a photo ID at the polls.

It ain’t broke but let’s kill it, the Star & Sickle says about the Electoral College.

Am I surprised by the inconsistency? No.

I do, however, continued to be amazed that they think the rest of us won’t notice.

Moron Mail

We have an early leader for the Moron Mailer of the Year Award:

Church and city

Many on the Christian right love to create an uproar over events like the removal of "Happy Easter" signs from City Hall, because it allows them to pretend that they are some kind of oppressed minority.

All we ask is that this oppressive majority keep their Christian flag-waving out of our shared government buildings and functions.

The difficulty they have understanding this desire really belies their [CAUTION: TALKING POINT ALERT!] theocratic tendencies.

BEN DOVER, MINNEAPOLIS.

People frequently ask me: "Foot - as an expert on moronic communications to our nation's newspapers - how does one become such an irredeemable moron so that they get to be featured in 'Moron Mail'?"

My reply: "Practice. Lots and lots of practice."

Because I gave up swearing for Lent, it's awfully tough for me to put Ben here in his place. But I'll try.

If a picture of the Easter Bunny and a few colored eggs amounts to "your oppression," then you are beyond help. Frankly, I find it very hard to believe that you are not already dead from a) high blood pressure caused things that are truly offensive; or b) high blood pressure caused by a perpetual sense of outrage (EEEEEK! Look! There's a church! Don't we have zoning laws?????!!!!!); or c) an inability to walk and breathe at the same time.

As for the "theocrat" line: [expletive deleted] brain-dead [expletive deleted] is [large string of expletives deleted] line of "thought" you [whoa! really REALLY nasty expletive deleted] pretend to be an intellectual, instead a simple minded [not very nice phrase deleted] take it up [anatomically impossible expletives deleted]. Go listen to some [expletive deleted] Iron Maiden.

Jerk [expletives deleted].

For those of you who enjoy a little profanity, KAR mascot Bobo the Chimp weighs in on Ben's little brain pooping. You don't want to miss it. Just make sure the kids aren't around, and your headphones are on.

UPDATE: Ben's letter has really riled Bobo. Bobo has more.

Don't You Dare Question Their Patriotism Skillz

As I've stated before: there's nothing better than the NCAA men's basketball tournament. It's a solid month's-worth of roller coaster action from the euphoric highs (the Cinderellas; the buzzer beaters) to the depressing, heart-rending lows (Billy Packer). If you possessed enough taste in sport to tune in yesterday, you saw one of the greatest games in recent memory when an undersized and out-manned in just about every way George Mason U knocked off the there-to-fore favorite to win the championship, UConn.

The game had everything: the chess matches within chess matches as each coach alternately tried to solve the other's latest wrinkle while coming up with a new one himself; the gutsiness and mental toughness of a squad that wasn't supposed to be there sticking it to their betters by playing a nearly perfect game (missed free throws notwithstanding); the victorious Patriots' unmitigated joy. I felt it too even though I had never even heard of this school as recently at a month ago.

And mad props to whoever it was at CBS who periodically at certain breaks in the action towar the end of the game, played the little snippets of Lamar Butler singing (or, rather, attempting to sing) "Dream On" during the pregame warmups. Nice touch.

While just about everyone's bracket lies in smoldering ruins this morning (speaking of which: Flash, Sponge - it's official. You each owe me a beer), anybody who witnessed that game probably has a spring in their step today. Many probably don't even realize why.

Oh, and I guess there was a hockey game this weekend. Or something.

A Very Special Message From Bobo

Click here (and then click "Play message") to hear KAR mascot Bobo the Chimp tell you about his exciting plans for the weekend.

My weekend is somewhat less interesting, but more fulfilling. Kids. Beer. Basketball.

Peace out, yo.

Time to Take This Blogging Thing to a Wider Audience

Dear Washington Post:

I am writing to you to apply for your recently-vacated position of Lead Blogger for your Red America blog. I was alerted to this opportunity by the near-deafening sound of a million lefty-bloggers masturbating simultaneously to the news about the plagiarism charges against the previous holder of this position.

As I am sure that you will be very careful with your selection of Mr. Domenech's successor, I will depart from traditional cover letter protocols by telling you about my short-comings up front, in the interests of full disclosure:

* I tend to write about disgusting things.

* I like to use the word "poop".

* I think society would be better off if we all drew larger lessons from Iron Maiden songs.

* When I'm feeling lazy, I write in haiku.

* When I'm feeling really really lazy, I turn my blog over to Sisyphus.

On the other hand, I believe that I possess all the qualities you are looking for in the individual who would run your excellent blog. To wit:

* I am a conservative.

* I have never plagiarized anything. Ever.

* I have over a year of blogging experience, during which time I have mastered the use of the "hyper-link."

* If I relocate to Washington DC, I promise not to stalk Ana Marie Cox (unlike some other potential applicants I could name).

* I have enough command of accounting terms to give your female readership the screaming thigh sweats.

* I know how to properly use a semicolon.

* I only sexually arouse lefties through my sharp wit and hauntingly seductive eyes; never through my personal failings.

I believe that I would be a perfect fit for this position, and together we could make the Red America blog a first class operation. I will contact you in the coming days to set up a time when we could meet and more fully discuss this position. I look forward to talking with you.

Kind Regards,

LearnedFoot

Good Satire Wields Not a Club, But a Mirror

It has been well documented that those who think that same-sex marriage is a civil right like to paint their opposition with a broad brush. Anyone who thinks that gay marriage is an oxymoron is ipso facto a bigot. They reach that conclusion because a group of knuckle dragging lobotomites from Kansas carry around signs that read "God Hates F@gs," or, in the case of certain brain-cell deprived privileged-childhood "journalists," one single guy holding a sign at a demonstration that says "Homo go home".

It's a losing strategy, of course. Just imagine if a DOMA supporter wrote a letter to the editor and employed this same tactic by characterizing an entire group of people by extrapolating from one of their smallest, basest, vilest most discrete constituents:

CHILD MOLESTER MARRIAGE

What's the point?

So, the child molester lobby thinks that there is some civil right for child molesters to marry each other. Can anybody tell me what good could be brought about by allowing child molesters to marry each other?

I mean, if child molesters want to enter a committed relationship with each other, nothing is stopping them now. The commitment that one person makes to another - including child molesters - is in no way enhanced by a marriage license.

This is just another ploy for the pro-child molester lobby to advance their far left wing child molesting agenda.

TODD DOOFELMEYER, MINNEAPOLIS

Now before you moonbats start threatening my children, ponder this:

Is it less unfair to characterize everybody who supports keeping our marriage laws the same as they currently are as hate-filled bigots because of a couple looney toon Bible thumpers than it is to characterize gay people and gay-marriage proponents as child molesters and child molester supporters because of NAMBLA and a bunch of pedophile priests? Is either epithet borne of a lesser ignorance?

On second thought, don't bother. That sentence was probably too complex for you to handle anyway. And I don't want you to spend too much time figuring how to work a dictionary so you can look up "epithet."

Can this guy really be objective?

By now you’ve all heard about the memo from ABC News Producer John Green.

It said, in part: “Bush makes me sick.” And, “If he uses the 'mixed messages' line one more time, I'm going to puke.”

I think we can all agree that John Green is no fan of the President. More importantly, however, I hope we can agree that it is humanly impossible for him to keep his natural bias from tainting the news. This is not an indictment of him. It is, pure and simple, human nature.

We all have our biases and we can’t turn them off in an effort to be objective. I couldn’t and you couldn’t.

I just wish they – the John Green’s of the world – would admit to their bias rather than pretending they’re independents (who happen to vote democrat 90% of the time) or that they are capable of preventing their bias from showing.

Again With the Anonoblogging Issue

One of the more self-evident Truths of Life is that the world has no shortage of overzealous and underbrained drooling shitbags with too much time on their hands who tend to internalize everything. When something provokes them, they feel that they must ACT; they much LASH OUT and whatever offense pricks their eggshell psyche of the day. Their reaction often (intentionally) manifests itself in rather threatening ways.

Exhibit A (this week).

Friend of KAR (contrary to what some loser inane Norwegians may "think") and LearnedFoot evil twin Mr. Sponge now finds himself at the business end of threats by one of these shitbags.

This serves as a good example of why anonymous blogging is less insidious than some would have you believe. Contrary to the popular view that all bloggers should take "responsibility" for what they write; and that such responsibility is taken by providing one's real name; there are those of us who write under pseudonym not to avoid "responsibility" (yes, I sure do use the word "poop" a lot - wanna make something of it?), but rather to insulate our families from the same drooling imbeciles that Mr. Sponge just encountered.

And there's the scary part: Mr. Sponge does write under a pseudonym (KARNation observes sarcastically "Nooooooo? You Mean his real name isn't 'Clever Sponge'????") (LearnedFoot responds "Ah shaddup!"), and there still was some shitknuckle out there pathological enough to take the time to piece together some clues, and find out Sponge's real name and those of his family members. Or it was a friend playing a prank. Though given the tone of Sponge's post, I doubt it.

Imagine how much easier it would have been if "Clever Sponge" was listed in the phonebook.

I've written about this before. Nothing has changed. And this latest episode just solidifies my position.

On a personal note, we here at the Most Sopranos-like blog on the internet (ifyaknowwhaddimean) would like to extend our support and offer our "services" to Mr. Sponge, should he see the need for them.

On the down low, of course.

Hoops Cred

I resolved that I wouldn't talk smack about my tournament brackets this year. Because of my ongoing attempts to keep The Boy from immolating his sister, I found little time to actually watch much college ball this year. When you're filling out the brackets, it helps to actually have seen some of the teams in it play at some point during the season. Although, of the teams I had seen play, I was pretty spot in. To wit: remember this observation:

Iowa a 3-seed? Syracuse goes from out of the tournament to a 5-seed?

They were indeed overseeded. Not only did the Hawkeyes and the Orangemen fail to make the "Sweet Sixteen" the "Elite Eight" or the "Final Four"; both teams didn't even make it to the "Thrifty Thirty-Two".

So I was left to educated guessing: picking mainly based on seeds, conference strength, coaching and proximity to the home court. In a large, or "real" tournament pool, I wouldn't even be an also ran. I'd be an also also also also also also ran.

But fortunately for me, I was only up against my eternal rival Flash (Motto: "Ill Take Kansas to Go to the Final Four even if They're in the NIT!") and Clever "Hey! One of Our Final Eight Teams Is Still In It!" Sponge. Yes, not only was this the smallest tournament pool on record, but also the most politically balanced!

While none of our brackets were pretty, theirs were far far less pretty than mine:

[Here LearnedFoot tries to copy and paste the standings table into his post, and what results is a meaningless jumble of gobbledygook.]

Ok, let me just sum up: My current score is 45. The maximum score either of my opponents can garner for the rest of the tournament is 46. Meaning I need to just get one out of the four games tonight correct to clinch the pool.

We're still in the Sweet Sixteen. CRED!

A word of advice: Come tournament time, faith in the Big 10 is almost always misplaced. Following that simple rule would have saved Flash (Champion pick: Ohio State) and Sponge (Champion pick: Illinois) (Yes - Illinois) much embarrassment.

So once again Flash will soon find himself in the familiar situation of owing me a beer. As for Sponge, I'll see you at the MilF.